hope

I just realized that my half is April 13. Haa. Um, so I guess that’ll be 12 miles on Saturday, eh? I don’t know why I thought I had more time, and I’m sure I’ll be fine, and I know I can do it, but I just got nervous. At least I know that it likely won’t shoot up to 85 degrees by then, right?

Anyway.

So, is something happening around gay marriage or something? Ha. I can’t tell my friends apart on facebook for all the red. It’s kind of awesome. I have said, and will continue to say, that I find it highly problematic that the gay rights movement is so so so centered on marriage with it’s classed privilege, and that we continue to see discrimination for LGBT folks when it comes to employment and housing, and our queer youth continue to get beat up in schools, or ignored by teachers, or both. We still have way too much transphobia in our own queer (well, I’d say that transphobia isn’t really queer, but that’s a discussion for elsewhere) community, and that is really harmful to humans and the movement. And, I do think our focus should be elsewhere. BUT, I also think this is really important. (oh, the both/and-ness of queer) I wish it wasn’t blocking the needs of more marginalized LGBT folks. My hope is that once we finally get this settled, we can move onto the more important work (and here’s hoping that those whose focus has mostly been on marriage equality don’t go into their well appointed houses and forget the rest of the community.).

I also worry that, should things go well, people will assume that equality will just happen. Rampant racism and sexism in schools, employment, etc. show that laws don’t change everything.

Of course, I’m thinking about my own wedding today (lo, those almost 13 years, 2 children, one cancer diagnosis and treatment, graduate work for both of us, move across the country, multiple job searches, etc. ago). I remember during the planning that my mother was really really against us having a cake. “You can be different! It’s not a wedding! Why look like a wedding?” I’d like to say, “wow, how queer of my mom!” but, unfortunately, I don’t think that’s how she meant it. But, she is right. It was and is different. And, I am not, nor do I want to be, in the practice of trying to make my marriage look as similar to hetero marriage as I can. Jess and I joke that, had we not been child brides, we wouldn’t have changed our names (we hyphenated, and our children are hyphenated. I think we’d hyphenate our children, but have kept our own were we to do it all over again. Which … we won’t!), we might have had a tinier to-do, etc. We got married in GA, and live in MI–2 states that don’t recognize us as anything more than roommates. We didn’t do what so many others do, and run off to more gay friendly states to “make it official.” To us, the official was the witness on that really warm and beautiful May morning. Of course, the benefits of legal marriage would be nice, and we might even, should we ever have the right in MI, go to a justice of the peace and get shiny papers that would give them to us. And, I really really really hope that happens. I hope that the relationships of queer folks, however they choose to construct them, can be recognized not just if we have family members who aren’t bigoted, or jobs that see the bottom line benefits of making queer inclusive work spaces, but by everyone. I’m keeping my fingers crossed. Because we need to work on minds and hearts so that true equality, not just legal equality, comes for all of us.

Gratuitous scenes from a gay wedding (in no particular order). 224624_8280884865_5263_n

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